Quit Kitten Around


I’m not going to lie to you, the last few weeks have been pretty rough on the old ‘online dating’ front. Ok, that’s not strictly true – nothing bad actually happened. Basically I decided to dip a toe back into the online pool before being reminded that, for the most part, it’s kind of just sewage. (You know you’re in trouble when the convos you’re having with friends include the phrases ‘modern dating’ and ‘psychological warfare’ in the same sentence…)

But downhearted I was not. Because the flip side of every foray back into the dating world is that it helpfully reminds me that I actually very much enjoy my single life. It turns out I’m largely unwilling to give up my habit of sleeping starfished and perpendicular for just any old shitebag.

Hoo and indeed ray.

That being said, however, I did learn something this week that caused a bit of a wobble in this particular worldview. And that is the existence of Cat Tinder.

Yeah. You heard me. There’s a Tinder for Cats. And by all accounts, it’s a kajillion miles better than human Tinder (which admittedly wouldn’t be hard).

‘But cat’s can’t swipe – they don’t have thumbs!’ I hear you cry.

Correct! The lack of the old opposables does rather get in the way of the whole Cat Tinder experience (plus the ‘not actually being able to use a phone’ thing) so I’ll level with you: It’s not actually set up like real Tinder. A shocking revelation, I know, but bear with me.

The gist is that apparently there is a kitten shortage in Edinburgh as a result of all the good citizens getting their cats spayed. But fear not – as with all the good and terrible things in this world, the internet shall provide! All you need to do is trawl through the veritable gamut of gattos and select the cat-daddy of your lady-cat’s dreams so they can get to the making of some adorable kitties.

And yes, I am completely aware that the second half of that last paragraph sounds like a terrible euphemism but on this occassion, alas, it is not.

As with real life Tinder dating, some of the ads are run-of-the-mill, some are kind of creepy and the odd one is as delightfully surreal as you’d hope. Words like ‘gentle’, ‘blue-eyed’, ‘experienced’ (barf) and even *shudder* sooky are bandied about in a remarkably cavalier fashion.

It’s the best.

But if it’s the best, why the worldview wobble, Sam?

Good question, imaginary friend!

Mainly because it made me jealous of cats.

Not that I wasn’t already jealous of cats. Who isn’t jealous of cats? They’re resting bitch-face personified and yet they’ve actively been worshipped as Gods. No, a little cat-jealousy is perfectly reasonable.

But this was more. This was me coming to the realisation that even cats have a better time online dating than me.

Not only do the furry little bastards get fed, watered and friggin’ worshipped, they literally have better dating lives than I do.

And don’t give me any of this ‘but they’re a lower life form’ nonsense. Cat’s would rule us all if they only had the goddamn opposable thumbs to weaponise and everybody knows it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I always imagined I’d eventually want to become a cat-lady. I just didn’t bank on that sentence ending one word early.


Oh well. At least I can live happy in the knowledge that I’d still kick their arses in a thumb war.

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