So, after a bit of a break from the trials and tribulations of online dating, I decided to bite the bullet, get back on the horse, and use as many metaphors as humanly possible whilst doing so. I won’t lie, it’s been worth it for no other reason than I’ve managed, in a shockingly short space of time, to fill my boots with legitimately hysterical stories to weaponise when killing the vibe stone dead at future dinner parties. (Invite me, I dare you.)
But this story-telling goldmine has come with a cost, and that cost is the realisation that I really am getting too old for this shit. Not the funny stories, of course – I live for those. There’s nothing quite so awe-inspiring as being witness to a no-holds-barred shit-show of a date.
No, the problem here lies firmly in the fact that, from what I can deduce, online dating now solely consists of people who are really enthusiastically into either (occasionally both) of the following two things:
Apparently, according to the apps I’m using at any rate, if I want to find someone, I can either strap on some hiking boots or get really into sharing.
To be clear, this isn’t a criticism of either of those lifestyle choices. I am a reasonable (haaa) creature who fully understands that some people enjoy these things and that’s ay-ok with me, so long as everybody involved is on board and no-one’s being a dick about it. (Nobody likes a munro-bragger.)
But I can barely get myself to try and fit a partner into my life, so attempting polyamory would just feel like crowd-control. And the thought of munro-bagging – whilst no doubt a great way to stay fit, pass the time, and see more of this beautiful country – just makes me want to die. The great outdoors are all very well, but the great indoors has heating and flushable toilets.
This all rather leaves me in a bind though. I’ve never had the desire to haul myself up anything higher than a reasonable set of stairs. Adding more than one simultaneous sex buddy is just more life admin. I am waaaay too lazy for this shit, guys! I mean, I’m not a hermit – I’m a pretty busy lady and I love going outside. Exploring old buildings and new places and trying new things. All I ask is that they not be perpendicular.
In spite of these various hobbies and interests, it appears I will be dying alone though, because I have zero chill, the lung capacity of a toddler, and nary a single picture of me beaming victoriously on top of a sexy hill. I loooooong for the day when I log onto a dating site to find it inexplicably stuffed to the gunnels with men who like brunch and board games and the national trust and going to weird events on the off-chance they’ll be the worst thing you’ve ever seen. And, crucially, that they won’t insist on a light walk up a steep hill after and that I won’t be in a queue to do it with them.
Oh well – it could always be worse. But you’ll have to invite me to your dinner party to find out why.