Ok. So. I know I said in my last blog that I was abandoning the dating world and buying a cat but I’m going to level with you – I really didn’t think that decision the whole way through. And not just because it isn’t massively fair to judge absolutely everyone on the odd horrifying dating tale (though I really can’t overemphasise the words ‘odd’ and horrifying’ here). No, my reasons for considering re-entering dating orbit are waaaay less nuanced than that.
They pretty much entirely revolve around not considering the environmental factors: namely that it’s September and it’s been a surprisingly mild, depressingly damp summer. Do you know what that means?
Multitudes of them. Positively billions. So. Many. Spiders.
And to cap it all they are GARGANTUAN this year. You know something is too damn big for its boots when it’s casting a friggin’ shadow. I swear, the number of times I’ve come across one and been able to count it’s toe-nails over the past few weeks is beyond comprehension at this point. I don’t care what anybody says, I’m absolutely certain that the vast majority of Scotland’s arachnid population are marauding their way through my flat as we speak. The bathtub seems to be a particularly favoured spot. Who knows? Maybe they like my fancy new conditioner.
While it has been a harrowing time – I can no longer enter my bathroom without acting like a hysterical extra in a slasher flick – it has not been as bad as it could have been, in large part thanks to my flatmate. She has heroically rescued me from any number of the (not so) little bastards. But alas, she insists on having a life and went away for the weekend. My other flatmate is also sadly absent at the mo, which meant that I was all alone in the house.
Now, to be fair, I was out for the majority of Saturday, but this is irrelevant because I have actively changed plans in the past as a direct result of having a massive spider in my bathroom sink, which meant I couldn’t get ready to leave the house. Because while you might say it won’t kill me, I say HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?
You may be wondering ‘well, if you’re that scared of them, a cat would solve this problem for you anyway’. In response, I humbly suggest that you try getting your cat to scale your walls and catch something on your ceiling. They are not as amenable to this as you might think. And while it’s completely unreasonable to ask your friends to drop everything they’re doing to come and rescue you from your living nightmare, you can totally do that to your other half!
That’s…that’s how it works, right? I mean, that’s why people put all that effort in, isn’t it? So that you can get someone else to do the things you don’t want to, like spider-catching and wrapping all your Christmas presents? Seriously. I need to know. I’m…asking for a friend…
But anyway, that’s the plan. The next date I go on, the first question on my list will be ‘could you, at a moment’s notice, drop everything you are doing to come and rescue me from something with more than six legs?’
The second question will be ‘are you willing to do this?’
And the third question will presumably be ‘What do you mean I’m being unreasonable? Why are you putting your coat on?’
Oh well. Worth a punt, though. So, hello dating world. I’m back.